I’ll be honest: I’ve been struggling with my singleness lately. That is not easy for me to admit—strong, independent woman who-don’t-need-no-man that I am. The worst part? Probably the near-constant battle in my mind over the “why.” Why am I still single? I’ll tell you right now, I don’t have a good answer to that question for myself, or for you. But here’s what I do know, dear single people: There’s nothing wrong with you.
There isn’t! That’s not why you’re single! It’s what you might think. It’s what I think about myself (most days). Oh, I have a list. And even if logically I can debunk most of the things I think are “wrong” with me, I still have a hard time not believing they’re true.
So I’m writing this for myself as much as for you. Together, let’s go through some of the myths we might think are keeping us single and see if they actually hold true.
6 Myths Vs. Reality About Why You’re Still Single
Myth #1: I missed my chance.
Reality: First of all, there’s not really a deadline for marriage. People get married at all different ages! Are you wondering if you’ve somehow strolled past Mr./Mrs. Right at some point in your life and missed your chance to meet them?
Let me encourage you by pointing to the number of times God has to direct us back to the path He wants us on. If you’re like me, that’s daily. And even if we really get off the path, God is a redeeming God. He doesn’t need perfect people or perfect choices to carry out His will.
Bottom line? Don’t worry. If God wants it for you, you won’t miss it! (I know, easier said than done. But as difficult as it can sometimes be to believe, it’s true.)
I’ve also heard people say things like, “All the good ones are taken.” To that I say, you and I are still here! That’s proof that all the good ones aren’t gone.
Myth #2: I’m too _____.
Reality: I’ll let you fill in that blank for yourself. Personally, I can think of several ways I’d fill it in. I have a tendency to work toward the approval of others, and I sometimes put romantic relationships at the tippy top of that approval chain.
And what says, “you have my approval” more than a person who is willing to choose you above everyone else?
The problem is that the only One whose approval I should work for is God’s, and the good news is that He gave it to me through His Son, Jesus, before I could ever begin to work for it. And if the Creator of the universe can choose me for eternity, I can feel confident that there’s at least one other person who would, too.
Myth #3: My standards must be too high.
Reality: This is one I wrestle with a lot—especially when I meet someone I’m really into, but whose priorities don’t line up with mine. Sure, it’s possible to have unrealistic expectations if you only want to date tall doctors with brown eyes and a Lamborghini. But I’m guessing most of your standards (at least your serious ones) don’t fall in that category.
What we can’t do is compromise who God has called us to be and how He has called us to live for the sake of a relationship. Because here’s the thing: A life that honors God doesn’t require a romantic relationship, but we should require that our romantic relationships honor God.
So don’t compromise or settle for less than God’s best for you.
Myth #4: There must be a reason I’m not aware of.
Reality: This one is so sneaky! If there really is something you’re not aware of (and it’s not just an irrational fear put there by the enemy to make you feel unworthy) then let me encourage you: We all have things we need to work on in ourselves to become more like Christ.
Yes, some of those things may not have come to our attention yet, but read that last sentence again. We all have things we could work on. If people waited until they were perfect to be in a relationship, there would be no relationships!
Anyone who is worth being with is going to know that, and they’re still going to want to be with you despite your imperfections. People do that in other relationships all the time. Do any of your closest friends have something imperfect about them? Do you love them anyway? Well, there you have it.
Myth #5: My singleness is a problem to be solved.
Reality: Often, we’re taught to believe that we’re somehow incomplete without a spouse or that our life is on hold until we find “the one.” Happily ever after starts with a wedding, right? Well, no.
Just look at the life of Jesus. Would you say His life was incomplete? Was His purpose and happiness put on hold because He never married? You’d be pretty silly to think that. So why do we let ourselves think that about our own singleness?
So let me be clear: Your singleness is not a problem to solve or a project to fix. It’s just a state of your life. Both marriage and singleness are situations in which you can wholeheartedly honor and serve God.
Myth #6: If I desire romance, I must lack satisfaction in God.
Reality: As uncomfortable as it is to admit, there are times when I wonder if God can really be enough. If I’m single my whole life, will I ever truly feel fulfilled? Those are real questions that I wrestle with at times!
But the desire to be married or in a relationship is not on its own an indicator that you aren’t satisfied in Christ. Those two things can coexist! It’s not wrong to have that desire.
As Christian singles, we’re often told that there’s some magic formula where if we can just forget about our desire for marriage and get lost in Jesus just enough, then God will show up with our person.
But hear me clearly: Marriage isn’t something we earn. It’s a gift. People don’t receive a relationship because they’ve somehow figured out how to be a better Christian than other singles. It’s just not a thing.
It’s easy to get caught up in the belief that we’re single because there is something wrong with us. But those thoughts are not put there by God.
If God’s thoughts about you were in your head, you’d start to see that you are a desired, valuable, wonderfully made person who is worth dying for. You’re already complete, and you already have a place and a purpose right where you are.
Why are you still single? Why am I still single? Because you are. Because I am. That’s it! Not because there is something wrong with us.
We don’t need a significant other to be significant. So let’s stop filling lists and fueling myths with the things we think are wrong with us and start living like the whole, complete humans that we are.