I love being with people! This is a good thing, except for when it wasn’t. Many years ago, after an emotionally abusive marriage and subsequent divorce, I was pretty messy. However, I managed to convince myself that I had it all together. I lost a lot of weight, created a new me and “started over.”
I looked just fine on the outside. I even believed I was fine on the inside until I began to blast through one relationship after another. Every failed relationship had a common theme: time. I was what I would call a time vacuum.
I wasn’t just a needy friend; I was an overly needy friend, often relying on every relationship as if they were my best friend.
What is a Needy Friend?
Do you know anyone like that? Needy friends spam you with texts or calls if you don't respond immediately. Or they only wants to talk about their own life and own needs. You try to set boundaries with needy friends but they always seem to steam-roll right through them. This kind of needy, clingy behavior probably takes a toll on your own mental health, leading you to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
This clingy friend behavior made it difficult to maintain healthy relationships. No matter how much quality time a person gave to me, it was never enough. My attention-seeking, needy behavior was wearing people out. What I really needed wasn’t more time with people—what I really needed was healing. This dynamic often led to a toxic friendship, draining both parties involved.
Needy Friends Need Support
What I really needed was not more time with people—that would never fill the obvious void I had gaping open in my heart. What I really needed was healing, a support network, professional help, and truth spoken in love. I am forever grateful to friends and leaders who pointed me to Christ and got me the help I needed.
Have you ever had an exhausting friendship? Do you have an overly needy friend? Someone who is forever needing more than you have to give? Someone who is perpetually in crisis mode no matter how much you give? Someone you probably love dearly, but your helping only seems to hurt?
3 Ways to Help Overly Needy Friends
1. Understand the difference between helping and enabling.
Enabling is saying “Yes,” when you should lovingly say “No.” Ultimately, this hurts your needy friends when they end up in the same situation time and time again despite your efforts to make things better.
For example, a friend genuinely has a financial need—every single month. Continuing to give them money only exacerbates the problem, but connecting that friend with resources such as financial counseling or debt management empowers them to choose to change for the better.
Maybe you feel guilty or think the best way to help them is through constant encouragement. But needy friends need boundaries to heal and thrive. It can be hard when you're getting constant notifications on your phone at all hours of the day, but pushing needy friends to respect your boundaries will help them in the long run.
2. Equip and resource.
Sometimes, the best thing is to connect your friend with options such as a therapist or other mental health services like support and/or recovery groups. They can can help bring the skillful care that we may not be able to give ourselves.
Most needy friends don't know they're needy. More often, it's the result of pain, trauma, mental health struggles, or past toxic friendships. Talking to your friend about getting professional support might feel uncomfortable, but it's what they need to start healing.
3. Point them to the one who can give them what they need.
While you cannot heal the hurt or fill the void in your hurting friend’s heart, you can lead them to Jesus who is the ultimate healer! Pray for your friend daily. Invite them to church or to a small group. Find a Bible Plan, and use the Plans with Friends feature in the YouVersion Bible App to complete it together.
If you’re reading this post, congrats. You’re already taking a great step to helping your friend get what they really need!