I’m no stranger to the word “control.” Years ago, I had an “I once was blind, but now I see” moment with the concept. But it took time, and a few hard conversations, for that realization to take shape.
Control is a master illusionist. It promises safety, certainty, comfort, and peace, but trying to stay in control is a never-ending battle. You always just find yourself grasping for more control as it slips through your fingers. It’s an exhausting cycle. If you’ve found yourself in this place, don’t worry—there is a better way.
What Are You Trying to Control?
In 2018, I was sitting in my (third) counselor’s office, sharing about the eating disorders that were taking over my life and my desperation to be free. She paused and asked a question that caught me completely off guard: “Have you ever considered what it is you’re trying to control?”
The question felt audacious. Up to that point, my life had been one challenging circumstance after another, none of which I had chosen or had control of. I had simply endured, doing my best to persevere and holding on to hope that eventually things would be different. Over time, that endurance convinced me I was “chill.” And to me, being chill seemed like the opposite of being controlling.
A few months later, I found myself in my (fourth) counselor’s office, this time with my husband, and that pesky word surfaced again. Still trapped in disordered patterns and grasping for certainty, my self-doubt and inner criticism had begun to spill over into my relationships. That’s when this counselor said it plainly: “Kasie, what are you trying to control?”
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding … Proverbs 3:5 NIV
Subconsciously, I was using behaviors as a way to compensate for the lack of control I felt in my life.
I didn’t understand why this word kept following me, but I prayed and asked God to show me. Soon afterward, He placed an article in my path that finally gave language to what I had been unwilling to see. Subconsciously, I was using behaviors as a way to compensate for the lack of control I felt in my life. I wanted to control situations, others, and most of all, myself. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it, and I knew something had to change.
As I said, control is a master illusionist. It promises safety, certainty, and comfort but leaves you feeling exhausted. The Bible points us somewhere better:
… in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6 NIV
How to Trust God
Trust is a tricky topic.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute—aren’t we talking about control?
Yes! But to understand our desire to control, we have to understand the role that trust plays in that desire. My pastor, Craig Groeschel, explains it like this: “What you fear the most reveals where you trust God the least.”
When I think about the areas that I’ve tried to control, I can clearly identify an underlying fear. The fear that I wouldn’t be enough. The fear that something wouldn’t go as expected. The fear that I would be left. The fear that I wouldn’t be loved as I am. And when I’m truly honest with myself, I can also name one other reality: I didn’t trust God with my fears.
God, Your Will Be Done
Do we really believe that God’s way is better than ours?
“Submitting all our ways to God” is another way of saying, “God, Your will be done.” To submit to Him, we have to test our own beliefs. Do we really believe that God’s way is better than ours? Do we really trust Him?
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
Before Jesus was arrested, tried, and executed on the cross, He prayed. He fell with His face to the ground, knowing that suffering, pain, and death were ahead of Him. I can only imagine His emotions as He knelt—feeling the weight of the burdens He would soon carry, yet full of reverence for His holy Father, the Lord of all. He chose to surrender all control, praying, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39 NIV).
Surrendering control means that we trust God and His will. We believe His Word is true, even if it costs us. Even if we will suffer, face ridicule, or be stripped of all pride.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
How to Let Go of Control as a Christian
If you find yourself grasping for control—whether it be over circumstances, outcomes, environments, or people, ask yourself these questions:
- What am I afraid of?
- Do I trust God with this fear?
- What Scripture do I need to meditate on to remind me that He’s in control?
You may find yourself submitting your desire to control one minute, just to turn and grasp for it again the next. That’s okay. It’s natural for us to feel that control is where our comfort rests, but remember that the Lord is “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV).
More on trusting God for everything.
Bible Verses About Trusting God
If you find yourself caught in a cycle of submitting and grasping, memorize one or more of these verses to help you cling to His truth:
- Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21 NIV
- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV
- For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV
- “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NIV
- “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
- Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 NIV
- Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
- Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 NIV