Forgiveness. It’s a concept we all know we should extend to others, but it’s easier said than done.
Forgiveness is the decision to release resentment toward someone who hurt you, even if they never apologize, so you can move forward in peace.
When I used to imagine forgiving others, I always had a picture of what it would look like. First, the offending person would realize on their own what they had done and how deeply it had hurt me. Second, they would come to me with some big apology, wanting to put forth effort and hard work to make everything okay in our relationship again. Sounds simple enough, right?
Forgiveness isn’t actually about the other person. Forgiveness is a decision I have to make for myself.
Madison Sturgill
I laugh at myself as I write that, knowing that the perfect picture I had in my head is wrong. Along the way, I've learned that forgiveness isn’t actually about the other person. Forgiveness is a decision I have to make for myself. A decision to let go of my grudges and choose freedom and love over anger. To choose peace over pain. To choose keeping the relationship over keeping score of who’s right.
Oddly enough, once I decided to forgive, the relationship usually started to get better.
This isn’t a new concept. Since the beginning of time, humans have hurt one another. But we all have a choice: we can keep holding on to the grudge we’ve been carrying—that self-justified anger that weighs us down and keeps a detailed list of how the other person has wronged us—or we can let it go, moving our pride aside and deciding the relationship is worth fighting for by extending our forgiveness.
How to Forgive Someone
Here’s the deal: Holding on to a grudge is kind of like holding on to a cactus. It keeps others away from you and it keeps pain inside of you. It doesn’t matter if someone else handed you the cactus. It’s your responsibility to put it down. Here are some steps to start forgiving.
1. Recognize What You’re Holding Onto
Forgiveness usually starts with noticing what you’re still carrying. Things like resentment, replayed conversations, intrusive thoughts, and other personal ways the hurt keeps showing up. Holding onto it might feel justified, but over time it weighs you down more than it protects you.
2. Choose to Let Go, Even Without an Apology
From there, forgiveness becomes a choice. A difficult choice for sure, but one we need to make. Not to make God happy with us, but because you need to stop gripping the cactus so tightly. The person might not apologize or finally understand what they did. Letting go doesn’t excuse what happened. It simply means you’re choosing peace over keeping score.
3. Practice Forgiveness as a Daily Choice
For most of us, forgiveness isn’t a one-time moment. It’s something you practice. Some days it comes easily. Other days you have to choose it again, reminding yourself why you decided to let go in the first place.
Remember, You've Been Forgiven Too
In Ephesians 4, Paul tells the Church to lay aside all bitter words, temper tantrums, revenge, profanity, and insults. Instead, we should speak kind and loving words to one another. Why? Because God has graciously forgiven us.
We are so unworthy of forgiveness, yet Jesus gives it freely to us. We are called to be like Him. To show others the love of Christ. What better way to exemplify His love to others than to forgive them?
Questions About Forgiveness
Do I have to forget what happened to forgive someone?
No. Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing the memory or pretending it didn’t hurt. What happened still matters. Forgiving someone is about loosening your grip on the pain so it doesn’t keep shaping how you think, react, or carry yourself moving forward.
Can I forgive someone and still set boundaries?
Absolutely. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean giving them unlimited access to you. You can let go of resentment and still decide what’s healthy. Sometimes forgiveness leads to reconciliation. Other times, it leads to wiser distance. Both can be honest expressions of grace.
What if forgiving feels impossible right now?
That’s okay. Forgiveness isn’t something you can always force on a timeline. If it feels impossible, start by being honest about that. You don’t have to rush the process. Even the desire to want healing someday counts as movement in the right direction.