If you’ve ever questioned God, then you’re not alone. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak, struggles, and suffering. Those experiences made me question God, His goodness, and even His existence altogether. But, despite my doubts and questions, I’m learning to find God even in the middle of my pain. I’m discovering an even deeper faith in God through my doubts.
Losing Faith in God
At seven years old, I was raped by someone I knew and trusted. I was too young to understand what happened to me, so for five years, I was oblivious to what I’d gone through.
Then, when I was 12, my brother gave me “the talk,” and my heart sank. I remember flashing back on that moment and finally understanding what happened. At that moment, I felt crushed. I was so ashamed. I felt dirty, violated, and most of all, unworthy.
I began asking God questions that I couldn’t find answers to, like why God allows suffering and why can’t I feel God? My questions for God led me to question God. So my faith in God began to slip away until I became convinced that He wasn’t real.
Re-Discovering Faith in God
I wanted a relationship with God, but I was so hurt by what happened to me. So, I prayed and prayed for years for a sign that God was there and that He loved me. At the time, I was trying so hard to find God in my suffering, but it didn’t even seem like He was listening until one day when a mentor showed me this verse:
He helps us in all our troubles so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 GNTD
This began the process of changing my perspective. Of course, what happened to me was horrible, but now I get to share my story with people who have been through the same thing. I get to help people find hope and move forward, even in their pain. The more I spoke with counselors and mentors, the more peace I found, and through reading this verse, I learned that Jesus suffered too. If Jesus suffered, then my suffering wasn’t a punishment or proof that God doesn’t care.
I still don’t understand why God allows suffering. I still have some questions about God. And that’s okay. Here’s what I do know: God wants to use your story to change other people’s lives. So whether it’s someone you met at the grocery store or if you’re sharing your story in front of thousands, God trusts you to impact the world around you by sharing the beautiful symphony He has written from your life.
Through my doubt, I developed a stronger faith in God. My doubts led me to ask questions, which brought me on a journey to discover more about my identity and God’s love for me. So if you have doubts, explore them. If you have questions for God, then ask. You may not always get the answer you want, but you will grow in your relationship with God, who loves you and suffers with you.