Holding a grudge is a lot of work. You need to constantly dwell on the past, replay painful events in your mind, and let anger control your actions. It’s exhausting to live in unforgiveness—but it can feel unavoidable. After all, the world is broken, and painful events happen. People let us down, say hurtful things, and commit awful actions.
Forgiving those people might seem impossible. We wouldn’t blame you for feeling angry or even suggesting unforgiveness, but what are the alternatives? Fortunately, you don’t need to forgive someone overnight.
5 Steps to Finding Freedom From Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness will eat us alive, causing pain to spread into every area of our lives. So how do we start moving toward peace? Let’s look at five steps to help you find freedom.
Step 1: Recognize the positive root of unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness is unhealthy, mostly. But there’s a positive root to unforgiveness that can help us find peace and freedom. It’s called justice.
When we hear the word justice, we often think of giving people what they deserve. There are certainly some examples of that kind of justice in the Bible. However, the overall story of justice in the Bible paints a more complex picture.
We believe God loves us and wants what’s best for all of us. But we live in a world that operates differently, causing some to unfairly benefit while others unfairly suffer. Justice is the process of God reordering the world so everyone can thrive. We partner with God when we expand our perspectives and take life-giving action against injustice in society.
What does this have to do with unforgiveness? Everything! God’s given you a hunger for justice, but there’s an area of your life where it feels like an injustice has won. So how do we respond?
First, we recognize the positive root of unforgiveness—a God-given hunger for justice. Let’s keep moving to our next step.
Step 2: Remember that vengeance isn’t justice.
Holding a grudge can feel like a form of vengeance—like we’re hurting them for how they hurt us. Sometimes, that’s true—especially if you have close proximity to someone who hurt you. Other times, the vengeance is imaginary, taking place in words we wish we’d said during an argument.
Either way, we get an emotional rush when we express our hurt through vengeance. But it’s only a rush. Sooner or later, the pain comes back to haunt us—causing us to pursue relief.
Getting back or getting even may feel like the best option, but it’s not justice. Justice pursues God’s best for everyone—and that can include appropriate restorative punishment. But vengeance isn’t restorative. It’s a pain multiplier.
When we get back at someone because of unforgiveness, we multiply the pain in the world. We end up causing more brokenness, heartbreak, and sadness—and for what? Vengeance is more like an addiction than a cure, providing a temporary fix that’ll go away over time. When it does, the pain comes back and we’ll look for a new way to find relief.
So how do we deal with unforgiveness?
First, we recognize the positive root of unforgiveness—a God-given hunger for justice.
Then, we recognize that vengeance isn’t justice—it multiplies pain and won’t make us feel better.
Let’s keep moving to our next step.
Step 3: Recognize that forgiveness is a process, and you can start small.
Sometimes, people view forgiveness and unforgiveness like a light switch. Either you’re holding a grudge or completely letting it go. Either living in pain or pretending like it didn’t happen. Unhelpful phrases like “forgive and forget” or “just get over it” fuel these unhelpful beliefs. But that’s not how forgiveness works.
Forgiveness isn’t all-or-nothing. It’s a process that takes time. It’s also a self-directed process. Seeking support from others is healthy, but no one can let go of unforgiveness for you.
So instead of asking, “How do I let go of unforgiveness?” Let’s ask, “How do I take one step toward forgiveness?”
Let’s avoid viewing forgiveness as a giant leap. And let’s retire the phrase “forgive and forget.” Forgiveness isn’t a light switch. It’s a journey. Instead of asking, “How do I let go of unforgiveness?” let’s ask, “How do I take one step toward forgiveness?”
So how do we deal with unforgiveness?
First, we recognize the positive root of unforgiveness—a God-given hunger for justice.
Second, we recognize that vengeance isn’t justice—it multiplies pain and won’t make us feel better.
Third, we view forgiveness as a journey—and only we can set the pace.
Step 4: Remember that forgiveness isn’t excusing what they did.
Some actions or words create consequences that impact our lives for a long time. If you’re working through unforgiveness, you know it’s true. Even when we forgive, we can still acknowledge the pain they caused and set appropriate boundaries to limit future harm.
Some people need to be forgiven from a distance. Maybe they caused physical, emotional, or spiritual harm to you or someone you care about. Going back to the way things were is impossible, which can be a good thing. Maintaining healthy boundaries isn’t a sign of unforgiveness—it’s the opposite. It’s creating a space for everyone involved to get what they need.
Let’s avoid thinking that forgiveness equals being a pushover. Often, boundaries are necessary to pursue forgiveness. They create a framework that provides a healthy, safe space to process forgiveness.
So how do we deal with unforgiveness?
First, we recognize the positive root of unforgiveness—a God-given hunger for justice.
Second, we recognize that vengeance isn’t justice—it multiplies pain and won’t make us feel better.
Third, we view forgiveness as a journey—and only we can set the pace.
Fourth, we believe that forgiveness isn’t excusing what they did—often, forgiveness needs boundaries.
Step 5: Reflect on God’s forgiveness.
Why was forgiveness so important to Jesus? Jesus forgave all kinds of people. He forgave people who had committed public, embarrassing sins. He forgave people who’d committed injustices. He even forgave people whose sins are unknown to us. Before He died, Jesus even forgave His own executioners.
Now, let’s remember that Jesus is fully human and fully God, meaning He had the capacity to hold grudges and live in unforgiveness—but He consistently chose to forgive.
Jesus is the perfect example of what it looks like to forgive. His words and actions reflected God’s love for all people. And His forgiveness made a way for anyone to have an eternal relationship with Him.
Jesus forgave because He loves people and wants to make Heaven more like Earth. Unforgiveness is a pain-multiplier and people-divider. So while it’s hard to forgive, it’s much harder to live in unforgiveness. That’s why He calls us to forgive, too. He doesn’t want anyone to stay trapped in isolation, anger, and bitterness. He wants us to be free.
Jesus is the ultimate example of what it means to be human. When we read stories about His life, we can find inspiration to forgive others. And when we reflect on how He’s forgiven us, it’s much easier to let go of unforgiveness.
How Do We Let Go of Unforgiveness? Here Are Five Steps
- We recognize the positive root of unforgiveness—a God-given hunger for justice.
- We recognize that vengeance isn’t justice—it multiplies pain and won’t make us feel better.
- We view forgiveness as a journey—and only we can set the pace.
- We believe that forgiveness isn’t excusing what they did—often, forgiveness needs boundaries.
- We reflect on Jesus’ forgiveness—and find inspiration to forgive others.
Don’t Let Unforgiveness Win
Forgiveness is a process, and it can be hard work. If you’d like support, we’d love to pray for you. For more on forgiving others, check out this article: