When someone hurts you, forgiveness might feel like a self-betrayal. As if you’re supposed to pretend the hurt didn’t happen, excuse the harm they caused, or give up on pursuing justice. But that’s not what forgiveness looks like in the Bible.
Forgiveness doesn’t erase what was wrong. It’s a way to keep that wrong from controlling your thoughts and your actions.
Honest Anger and Holy Forgiveness
The Bible never says anger itself is a sin or a barrier to forgiveness.
Anger and forgiveness can feel like opposites. But the Bible never says anger itself is a sin or a barrier to forgiveness. Instead, it warns us to handle anger carefully.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.”
That means you can be angry, annoyed, or frustrated when someone hurts you and still choose to pursue forgiveness.
The Heart of Forgiveness
The goal of forgiveness isn’t to feel positive emotions; it’s to move toward healing. Forgiveness happens when we refuse to let the harm we’ve experienced multiply into self-harm, vengeance, or shame. It’s resisting the human impulse to “give them what they deserve” or to get even with those who have wronged us.
To be clear, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’ll never experience painful memories, feelings of anger (or any other kind of overwhelming emotion), or a mental health challenge. Extending forgiveness also doesn’t mean you can’t set relational boundaries or seek justice.
Forgiving means deciding, often more than once, to stop letting resentment lead you to escalate harm.
How to Start Forgiving Someone
If you feel angry, that’s okay. You can feel angry and still forgive. The same is true if you’re annoyed, grieved, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
Simply telling yourself, I want the person who hurt me to receive feedback, get help, and change for the better, so I will seek justice, but I won’t seek revenge, is a great place to start.
This models how Jesus forgave. On the cross, after being beaten, humiliated, lied about, and tortured, He refused to lash out at the ones who hurt Him. He prayed, “Father, forgive them.” This prayer wasn’t a denial of His pain or emotions. It was an act of compassion and a rejection of escalating harm.
Sometimes, we might wish we could lash out at our enemies, right? But Jesus shows us a better way. Because the world doesn’t get better when we meet violence with violence. The world only gets better when someone says, “The harm stops with me.”
Forgiveness and Justice
Again, and I can’t stress this enough, forgiveness seeks justice. If someone hurt you, tell them, or someone who can mediate. If it keeps happening, get more people involved. And if they’re causing physical harm, then call the police.
Forgiveness isn’t about going back to the status quo or ignoring accountability. It’s about seeking God’s best for you and the world.
Some people need to be forgiven at a distance. Some people shouldn’t be invited back into your home or to other kinds of gatherings. Some people need intensive professional care.
Believing the Best
The Bible is full of dramatic life-change stories. People with persistent problems, sins, and unhealthy perspectives encountered God and became new people. Almost as if they were “born again.”
So, keeping all caveats and context above in mind, let’s end with a final encouragement. Dare to believe the best is possible for those who hurt you. That they’d recognize the harm they’ve caused and grow. And dare to, when appropriate, give them chances to show how they’ve changed.
A Prayer for Forgiving Others
God, You see the hurt in my heart and the anger that comes with it. Help me not to let that anger turn into bitterness. Teach me how to forgive like You forgive me. When I don’t know how to start, remind me of your example of forgiveness. In Jesus’ name, amen.