Do you have a family member you dread seeing at holiday meals? Or someone that causes you to tense up every time you get a text from them? They're the kind of people who always seem to find a way to generate arguments and love to share social media posts with questionable sources.
Or you might be facing a different kind of family conflict. The kind that leaves you feeling broken, wishing that someone would show up for a birthday or at least call. You'd even settle for a text. But as another year goes by, you wonder if it's worth investing in what feels like a one-sided relationship.
Conflict isn't all bad. It can be an incredibly healthy way of resolving issues and finding common ground. But when it's unhealthy, it can lead to anger, drama, isolation, and brokenness. Is it possible to heal broken family relationships? Let's find out.
First, we'll start with some insight from the life of Jesus. Then, we'll explore three tips to help you handle family conflict.
Jesus Understands Family Drama
Jesus is God, but He was born into a human family. So He understands family drama. John, one author of the Bible, wrote that Jesus' brothers didn't support His ministry. There's also the story of when Jesus' mother and brothers wanted to speak with Him, and Jesus replied by saying,
… “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:48-50 NIV
This passage seems to imply that Jesus' whole family wasn't on board with His message—at least, not yet. And any time people don't see eye to eye, there's a potential for conflict.
Jesus may have felt frustrated when those closest to Him didn't fully accept Him. Likewise, His family may have felt concerned for Jesus' physical and mental well-being.
We don't have all of the details of how Jesus’ family found healing, but we do know that after Jesus' resurrection, His mother and brothers joined the disciples in prayer (Acts 1:14).
What does this tell us about family conflict? Well, it tells us that we're not alone. If family conflict leaves you feeling misunderstood and isolated, Jesus understands. More than that, He wants to help you move toward a healthy resolution.
3 Helpful Tips for Facing Family Conflict
Maybe you need help building trust with an estranged family member or feel anxious about what conversations might come up at your next holiday meal. No matter what you're facing, these three tips can help you have a healthy, peacemaking perspective.
1. Remember What You Can't Control
Let's face the facts.
You can't force estranged family members to text you back or show up for holiday meals. You can't make adult children become your best friends or agree with your views or beliefs. And no amount of effort on your part can completely heal a toxic relationship.
We can control our attitude, grace, and willingness to forgive, but we can't control the words and actions of others. And sometimes, trying to control others can actually increase family problems.
That's not to say we should give up on family members. Instead, it's wise to let go of the burden we're not made to carry. You might feel frustrated about family members who don't reach out as much as you hope they would. Or you might feel saddened by their hostility toward you. Those feelings are real and valid, but they don't need to define you.
So give your loved ones some space. Reach out, let them know you care, and keep inviting them to family events. But, as much as you can, don't let frustration and sadness turn into bitterness. Instead, keep moving forward with love.
2. Remember What You Can Control
You can't control the thoughts and feelings of your family members, but there is a lot you can control.
First, you can control your attitude. Yes, estranged relationships can feel draining, but you can respond with grace during family conflict. Remembering Jesus' example in these situations can be a big help.
Despite intense criticism and betrayal by His loved ones, Jesus remained full of love and compassion. Of course, it's easy to think, "Of course Jesus can do that. He's God after all." But He was human too and felt the same feelings we do in the midst of our complex family dynamics.
You can also control your boundaries. In other words, how much do you allow family members access to your life? If you constantly text distant relatives only to get little or no response, then set a boundary. Only message them a set number of times a year and save yourself from frustration.
Or, if a family member is constantly creating drama through gossip or arguments, love them enough to confront them gently. If they take steps to change, great! If not, set a boundary of how often they're invited to engage in family events.
Showing Humility
Jesus' family had a rational belief—that Jesus was either lying or not mentally well. This created a level of conflict in His family. It's not hard to imagine Jesus' siblings criticizing Him for the negative impact He was having on the family. But Jesus wasn't lying, and He was mentally fit. He was telling the truth, and He was right. His family, though completely loving and well-meaning, were wrong.
What does this mean for us? It shows us that wise, compassionate, and loving people might be convinced they’re right, but might not always have the whole story. So it's wise to show humility, consider others’ side of the story, and audit why we feel so strongly about our perspective—especially when we might be missing key information.
To be clear, don't gaslight yourself. If someone said something rude or behaved in a way that harmed others, don't make excuses for their actions. You can set firm boundaries and show humility at the same time.
3. Remember That God Is In Control
It's wise to set boundaries when someone consistently drains you. But it's unwise to believe the lie that they can never change. Once you label someone as "unable to change," it's easy to dismiss them from your life and neglect to find ways to show love. But more than that, this attitude ignores how God changes people's lives.
Just think of some of the most famous people in the Bible. David was a shepherd, and God changed his story. Mary was a faithful, ordinary girl who became the mother of God in human form. Paul hated Christians and then devoted his life to sharing Jesus with the world.
God is the ultimate writer of people's stories. If someone is still alive, it's not too late for them to change. So trust that God can change them—that He can soften their heart, change their perspective, and restore their relationships.
Continue to pray for those family members who are the hardest to love. If needed, set boundaries, but never neglect to love them and believe that God controls their story.
For more on loving people despite disagreements, check out this article: