Some conversations can be challenging to start and impossible to resolve fully—but most of those conversations are vital to building deep relationships. If you’ve ever been in a family, marriage, or long-term friendship, you know exactly what we mean!
Conversations about race are a perfect example of challenging yet needed relationship-building opportunities. They help us discover the joyful, painful, and everyday realities of someone else’s experience, allow us to know someone better, and invite us to follow Jesus more closely. But how?
God created humans in His image and called us good (Genesis 1:27-31). That means all races, together, reflect the image of God. The better we learn to hear and see our neighbors and friends of different racial backgrounds, the more clearly we get to see God at work in our world today, and the more earth becomes like heaven (Matthew 6:10, Revelation 7:9).
Also, following Jesus means loving others the way He loves us and living the way He lived (John 14:15, John 13:34). Jesus lovingly defied racial barriers and did not shy away from starting the most challenging conversations (Luke 10:25-37, John 4:1-26).
We created this guide as a helpful source of biblical inspiration and practical ideas for moving closer to God, your neighbor, and Jesus’ prayer for God’s will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.
A Note About the Guide
Restoration is rooted in relationships, not simply information. So, utilize this tool as you learn from others’ experiences while trusting the voice of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of Scripture.
Start by Asking Yourself These 4 Questions
1. Why do I want to learn more about other races?
Your answer to this question may change as you continue to engage, but it’s essential to keep asking yourself this question. You may start from of a place of curiosity, compulsion, shame, or conviction. Knowing your honest “why?” will help you identify biases, next steps, and opportunities to grow in self-awareness.
2. What do I believe about race right now?
There are many different views of race. Where do you believe racial disparities in income, geography, faith tradition, and culture come from? Have you experienced what it’s like to not think much about race? Why do you think that was? Do you see race as an intentional and beautiful part of God’s image or as a man-made problem to be solved? What other foundational views of race do you hold or question?
3. What do I hope to learn?
Conversations about race are most effective when we approach them with care. That means it’s important to think about what you hope to learn. What questions about race do you have? How can you voice those questions in thoughtful ways? How can you create a safe space for people to share their experiences while you listen and learn?
Determining how you’ll approach these meaningful conversations ahead of time will help ensure you don’t prematurely end a conversation or halt a budding relationship.
4. Do I have biases that might get in the way of conversations?
We all have biases and lack humility in some aspects of our thinking. Not all biases are bad, but they are shortcuts, and shortcuts introduce opportunities for missing what matters most.
The journey of growing relationships with people of different races will include revealing more of your biases and increasing your humility as you grow your friendships. These are two of the many ways that learning about other races is an opportunity to become more like Jesus. Start by listing a few areas of bias that you’re aware of.
Why Have Conversations About Race?
Some reasons why we might want to start meaningful conversations about race include:
- To become more well-rounded
- To become a better leader
- To improve your team culture
- To improve your business, non-profit, or ministry
- To invite people of other races to join in your goals
None of these are inherently bad goals, but when engaging with others to learn more about their race, aim for friendship.
Aim for Friendship
Aiming for friendship doesn’t mean you’ll become best friends every time you have a conversation with someone. It means going out of your way to treat every person as someone you’d like to have as a friend. This may be the most simple, meaningful, and challenging aspect of engaging in productive conversations about race. Jesus calls it loving others the way He loves you—and commands us to live this way.
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 NLT
Choose Helpful Postures
Acronyms can be cringy, but conversations about race without helpful postures are even worse. Here are four memorable and foundational postures for R.A.C.E. conversations:
- Remain open to the reality of both your experiences and others’ experiences.
- Actively listen with questions, eye contact, reflection, and clarification.
- Contribute your feelings, thoughts, and experiences kindly with “I” statements.
- Expect discomfort, lack of closure, and opportunities for compassion.
3 Ways to Learn From Different Perspectives
There are many ways to learn about others’ personal experiences, but only some revolve around words. We’ll examine three methods: study, observation, and conversation.
1. Study what people of other races have said about their race.
No race is a monoculture, so pursuing multiple sources from each race you’re interested in engaging with is essential.
You can find books, podcasts, social media accounts, YouTube videos, museums, and entire organizations dedicated to sharing the history and culture of their race. Study is important, but it will not take the place of in-person relationships with others. However, it can be a helpful place to start.
Below are just a few examples of books written by authors of varying viewpoints from a few different races in our communities. These examples don’t necessarily represent our church’s views, but they offer challenging perspectives that can grow our empathy and understanding of other people’s experiences.
Remember, you’re not reading to find theological, political, or sociological agreement or affirmation of your experience but to expand your perspective and grow your curiosity.
- Brown Church: Five Centuries of Latina/o Social Justice, Theology, and Identity by Robert Chao Romero
- Be the Bridge: Pursuing God’s Heart for Racial Reconciliation by Latasha Morrison
- Rescuing the Gospel from the Cowboys: A Native American Expression of the Jesus Way by Richard Twiss
- Learning Our Names: Asian American Christians on Identity, Relationships, and Vocation by Sabrina S. Chan, Linson Daniel, E. David de Leon, and La Thao
- In the Eye of the Storm: Middle Eastern Christians in the Twenty-First Century edited by Mitri Raheb
2. Observe and participate in cultural experiences.
Simply being present and observant is a helpful way of learning about other people’s experiences. This doesn’t have to be research-level science. Look for places like restaurants, grocery stores, cafés, and parks where people of other races spend time and energy. Go there to be present and observant, and when appropriate, participate. Pay attention to what feels similar, different, fun, surprising, or enlightening. While you’re in these settings, notice what feels different, what feels similar, and what you have questions about. Here are a few ideas:
- Become a regular at a local restaurant, café, or grocery store that primarily serves people of races different than yours.
- Say yes whenever you’re invited to attend weddings, coming-of-age ceremonies, holiday celebrations, or other cultural events celebrated by races different than yours.
- Meet with friends at parks or public places that are mostly used by people of other races.
- Participate in worship services, conferences, or events that are attended mostly by people of other races.
- Plan a trip or vacation to a region where you know you’ll spend time around different cultures.
- Attend high school sporting events primarily attended by families with different racial backgrounds.
3. Start purposeful conversations with people of other races.
Long-term relationships lead to lasting change but need conversations to start and grow. How can we start or join these productive conversations? What can they look like? What are the ground rules? And what questions should we ask?
Here are some ideas for how to start, join, or host these conversations:
- If you already have friends, family, or coworkers with a different racial identity than yours, consider asking if they’re interested in having a conversation about race and if they recommend anyone else to reach out to.
- Ask around and do a Google search for groups in your area that are already meeting to talk about race. Then ask to join.
- Consider starting or joining a small group that discusses racial diversity.
- Host a meal in your home to discuss the topic of race and invite friends, family, and coworkers of diverse backgrounds to join. Stick to a planned set of questions, topics, and ground rules to help everyone feel safe.
Helpful Ground Rules for Conversations About Race
Whenever you’re starting or participating in a conversation about anything nuanced or sensitive, it’s helpful to start with some agreed-upon ground rules. It’s best for the group to establish these together. You can start with some examples, ask the group to add their own, and then ask everyone to agree to the list you create together. The R.A.C.E postures from this guide are a great start, and here are a few more example ground rules:
- We will work as a team to create a safe environment for everyone.
- We will stay curious, empathetic, and kind.
- We will challenge ourselves more than we challenge others.
- We will share personal experiences more than general assumptions.
- We will honor the privacy of others.
- We will treat every person the way we want to be treated: with honor, kindness, and interest.
- We will listen more than we speak, ensuring everyone has opportunities to share.
Find Great Questions for Conversations About Race
The questions you ask and answer in a conversation about race should start simply and safely, just like those in any kind of new friendship. They can progress into more complex and difficult questions as mutual trust and safety become more apparent and established in the group. Here are some example questions.
Start Lighter
- Where were you born and brought up?
- What did you do for fun as a child?
- What foods did you eat as a family growing up?
- What were some of your favorite sports, books, shows, and movies in your childhood?
Grow in Trust
- When do you remember becoming aware of your race? What was that like?
- What holidays or events do you think you may have celebrated differently than friends of other races?
- Was there anything about people of my race that you didn’t understand when you were younger?
- What’s something you cherish about growing up the way you did?
Get More Nuanced
- How did adults shape your view of your race and other races growing up?
- Have you ever felt confused about your race or other races? What did that confusion look like?
- What are some aspects of who you are that don’t feel directly influenced by growing up with your race?
Share Vulnerably
- If you could press an easy button and make everyone aware of a few difficult things about your experience with race, what would they be?
- How much racial diversity did you experience in your formative years? How do you think this shaped your view of yourself and others?
- What are some racial biases you’ve seen people in your family or close friend groups hold? What are some racial biases you have seen cause pain and hurt for yourself or others?
- Are there any ways I have personally hurt you or others with my own statements, actions, or lack of action?
- How can you and I strengthen our friendship in light of our different racial experiences?
- How can you and I be part of strengthening friendships across racial lines in our country?
Move Forward With Grace and Humility
In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus showed us how to ask for God’s will to be done in our lives and our world, today. The Lord’s Prayer is short, and yet Jesus made room for these words: “... forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” As we pursue the difficult work of building restorative relationships with others, may we do so with grace and humility—knowing that we can forgive and be forgiven just as God has forgiven us.