What if the devil wrote a post about church? It might go something like this …
I don’t have anything against organized religion. Love it, actually. It’s filled with opportunities to compare yourself to others. It makes you feel like you’re in control, like you can check the boxes and kinda see how you’re measuring up to all the other losers around you.
But I’ve got to get a little something off my chest. I’ve been burned by Church.
First off, they’re always letting people know I actually exist, and that everything I do is a “lie” and “destructive.” C’mon, now! Judge not lest ye be judged, am I right? I mean, do I go around accusing them all the time?
Oh—wait. Yeah, I do.
But I digress. Here’s my real problem: all those folks who follow that J.C. dude, whose name I don’t mention, are always talking about “love God, love others” and “do unto the least of these.”
Well, they’re all hypocrites! I am the least of these! I’m the devil for crying out loud, the lowest of the low, and I’m not getting any of my needs met by the Church. I need influence and power, but they turn my favorite folks against me.
Case in point: Chris.
He’s been going to church for years, and he is so smart. It was pretty easy to turn him into my kind of guy. When people are filled with pride over their Bible knowledge, they write off the wisdom of the other members of the congregation—even the pastor. Isn’t that perfect? If it wasn’t his idea, it wasn’t worth his time. I completely agree, Chris.
I love pride like that!
But even though he felt dissatisfied and lonely in his knowledge, he kept hanging around the Church.
I didn’t love that.
It was shaky ground, so I started to stir the waters a little bit. I tried to keep him busy, get some crap to go down in his life, you know—just to get him disconnected.
But instead, he started asking for prayer and seeking accountability.
Well, long story short, now he won’t listen when I try to feed his pride, and he keeps learning from all those “churchies!” Stupid Church!
And how about Regan?
I’d been close to this lady for years! I mean, we go way back—all the way to some rejection she experienced as a kid. She shoved it down, never dealt with it (thanks to me and my minions), and it’s left her hurting, bitter, and unforgiving.
Man. I loved having her in the Church.
I had Regan right where I wanted her. She waffled between paranoia over offending someone and taking personal offense far too easily. Ah, good times. I mean, when people are hyper-aware of their own flaws, they’re perfectly primed to see everyone else’s. She gossiped, judged, and church-hopped with me like nobody’s business!
Well, finally some of those “churchies” led her through forgiveness. Not just saying the words, “I forgive you,” but really looking into the wounds in her heart and helping her heal spiritually.
You guys, that is not okay! We had a good thing going! I loved calling her my little Pharisee, and now, she’s all, “J.C. forgives me. I forgive me. I forgive others!” and it shows in her actions.
And now she won’t listen to me either. Not even one little lie for old time’s sake.
I get burned by Church. Every time. It’s like the Church is just trying to spread hope and freedom in Christ or something. I hate it! And, ew. I can’t believe I just said that name. I’d better run.